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I've Gone to the "Dark Side"

Since my first inklings of consciousnessI have been inherently conservative. Not really conservative in the modern sense, but to the likening of such conservative greats asEdmund Burke (that father of conservatism); the type of conservativethat believes in constitutional monarchy, restricted suffrage, andlaissez-faire economics. Don't get me wrong, I havea soft side, but when it comes to politics there is no room for grayarea. In the political world there is only good and badpolicy.

Being a politically active conservativehas given me much opportunity to debate with the liberal/socialist typeof person. For the longest time I would argue and debate forhours trying to show the liberal the error of his ways, but alas, tolittle or no avail. Finally, just within the last few days, Ihave come to the conclusion that I, too, would like to move over to the"dark side" and become a liberal.

Being a conservative is much toohard. I have to try to solve all the worlds'problems while, at the same time, trying to keep a balanced budget andlow taxes. I have to care for others, and yet, not yield tothe temptation to give into wants rather than needs. Being aconservative is a fair balance between emotions of kindness and moralresponsibilities; intellectual knowledge and fiscalresponsibilities. That is why I have decided to take the pathmore traveled and move over to the "dark side."

I want to be a liberal so that I cancare and never discriminate against anyone. I want to be ableto feel the world's pain. When children of warringtribes in Africa starve because their tribal leaders hoard food fromtheir people, I want to be able to take food from America'sown hungry children and feed it to the Africans. Of coursethe Africans will turn around and burn our flag chanting,"down with the great Satan!" as they eat theirAmerican corn. But I won't care, I'm aliberal, the flag offends me, too. It's not that Iwant to burn that flag (at least not publicly), but I'm justnot going to infringe on anyone else's"right" to "express" his orherself.

I want to save the environment anddefend the animals of the world from evil pollutingAmericans. I want to ban polluting internal-combustionengines. Sure, that will devastate the automotive industrycausing many of the poorest in America to lose their jobs.Without efficient, affordable cars Americans will have no means oftransporting themselves from point "A" to"B," but I'm a liberal, I don'tcare. Al Gore says that cars cause global warming, which isgoing to melt the ice caps and kill us all! I believe Al Gorebecause he's smart. Did you know that he inventedthe Internet?

I want to be a liberal so I can live ina million-dollar home, drive a BMW, wear designer clothes, and yetstill relate to the "common working man."I want to join unions and fight for their right to inflated wages eventhough I, myself, have never set foot in a factory, much less worked inone. However, I am a liberal, I care about and relate toeveryone and everything. I'm not superficial.

When a party doesn't agreewith me on one hundred percent of my issues, I'll call themclose-minded and refuse to compromise with them. ThenI'll go on CNN and say that I had drafted a good compromise(which contained zero percent of what the opposing party wanted) andcan't understand why, in the spirit of the great Americantradition of compromise, my opponents didn't agree with myproposal.

I want to solve all theworld's problems by establishing new agencies to oversee theproblems, still more agencies to research solutions, "thinktanks" to debate and polish the solutions for the Americanpublic, and lastly agencies to oversee the funding of NGOs(non-governmental organizations) to actually implement thesolutions. Sure this will cost a lot of money, butI'm a liberal, I'll use the surplus we have now,raise taxes to get more, and leave the government in financial shamblesand then hand it all over to the conservatives and blame it on"their" bogus policies, which I wrote andimplemented.

Finally, I want to be a liberal so I canpunish the rich for their entrepreneurship by raising taxes and rewardthe poor for their idleness through increased benefits such as freenational healthcare, government housing, and government pensions forthe sick and elderly. I'll make everyone happy byequalizing wages and guaranteeing employment to all adults.

Religion gets in the way of my liberalagenda so I'll replace it with a religion of the state (justlike it says I should do in my "handbook" writtenby Marx). After I dispose of religion I'll equallydivide everyone amongst the land, ending cities forever.After all of my changes have been implemented it should be time for"the party" to select a new chairman for thePeople's Republic of America.

No fiscal responsibilities, alwaysright, no compromise, no rules, no leadership, no constitution, a great"handbook," who wouldn't want to be aliberal?